We all want to be loved and share love, but that doesn't mean everyone shares the same definition of love.
In a culture where we tend to place romantic love on a pedestal, we can easily overlook the dynamic ways to experience love.
There's the depth of close friendships, the sense of belonging in a community, the intensity of an artistic practice, a connection to our work, or any experience that provides companionship, support, self-discovery, and even the feelings of both elation and misery.
Love is not found in just one person, but in many people and many aspects of our daily lives.
But this isn't the common narrative, so for many single people — me included — we can mistakenly think we're not good enough, or feel incomplete without this one, specific type of love.
But a lack of romantic love isn't a character flaw, rather it's a failure of our collective imagination to acknowledge the various forms of love that exist in our lives.
As Krista Tippet, the host of On Being podcast, wrote in her book Becoming Wise: "I can't name the day when I suddenly realised that the lack of love in my life was not a reality but a poverty of imagination and a carelessly narrow use of an essential word."
After many years spent berating my own single status, I could see how carelessly narrow my own view of love had been and how short-sighted it is to view romantic love as a prerequisite to a happy life.
For many, being single is not about a lack of options for love, but a choice — a choice to apply a broader definition to love, and see the value in all its forms.
The love of community
From fairytales to romantic comedies, it appears we have been sold a lie that one person will complete us. In reality, it takes a village to feel loved.
In fact, considering romantic love to be the cornerstone of our family or community is relatively new, as psychotherapist Esther Perel explains.
"Never in the history of family life was the emotional wellbeing of the couple relevant to the survival of the family," she says.
"The couple could be miserable for 30 years, you were stuck for life. You married once and, if you didn't like it, you could hope for an early death of your partner.
"Marriage was a pragmatic institution.
Where previously our sense of identity was more embedded in community, a shift to individualism and choice has meant that we feel responsible for everything, especially finding an all-encompassing romantic partnership.
"We added romantic needs to the pairing, the need for belonging and for companionship … we keep wanting more. We are asking from one person what once an entire village used to provide," Perel says.
This shift has confused us, she adds. Whether you're in a relationship or single, recognising that one person can't be your everything can help you find a broader definition of love.
Knowing this, we can build our own communities. For me, this has been quite literal with creating ongoing dinner parties with a group of friends, and starting an event series for people to work on creative projects in a group setting.
But you can also find community in your neighbourhood, attend something regularly to build relationships, or recognise how your friends, family and colleagues all contribute to a kind of scattered village of people that understand varied parts of who you are.
The love of friendship
Throughout my life I've certainly experienced friendships that have followed a similar trajectory to some love stories — a frenzied meeting, a devising of future plans together, spending any free moment together, revealing secrets and fears, and gaining a deep understanding of each other that has grown over the years and decades.
Sharing your experiences — good, bad and in between — with others is an essential ingredient to feeling connected.
But such connection doesn't have to come in the form of a life-long partner, or having a crowd of friends around you at all times — after all, we have all experienced a feeling of loneliness even while in company.
Rather, it's the quality of your close relationships that has an impact on your overall life satisfaction.
A 75-year study that tracked the work, home lives and health of 724 individuals overwhelming found that people who are more socially connected to family, friends, and community are happier, physically healthier, and live longer than people who are less well connected.
You can be single and still have deep relationships and someone to share moments of your life with.
The love of creating, work and experiences
Our relationships with other people shape our daily lives, as does our relationship with ourselves.
The things we love are an expression of that relationship with ourselves, and should be nurtured like any other.
When we look for love only in the form of another person, in many ways love becomes out of our control — we can't make another person love us.
As Donald Kaufman says to his twin brother Charlie in the film Adaptation, "You are what you love, not what loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago."
While Donald is referencing an unrequited romantic love, it can equally be applied to the things we love in our lives.
Our work, our hobbies and interests, our creative projects, our day-to-day experiences can be a source of both love and meaning.
Being single has perhaps afforded me more time to dive into the things I love and build my own recipe for love.
Personally, the moments I have felt the greatest sense of fulfilment — akin to feelings of lust and limerence — have been the moments of flow in my creative projects. These moments of challenge and reward have felt like an expanding of the heart and mind.
As psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi writes, "The best moments in our lives usually occur when a person's body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile … For each person there are thousands of opportunities, challenges to expand ourselves."
For this type of love, I don't have to wait for someone else to come along or do metaphorical somersaults to attract it, I just have to love what I love and dive into it.
Like any type of love, though, there can also be heartbreak in this form of love. Just as we might look for another person to complete us, we can seek validation from our work in the form of external recognition, whether it's acclaim, prizes or accolades.
As Heather Havrilesky writes in a recent advice column, "Prizes and distinctions and published books are nothing compared to figuring out how to enjoy the work itself."
We don't need to invent love in our lives, but simply recognise what is already here and figure out how to enjoy it.
So let's stop conflating all experiences of love with romantic love.
Yes, there is something incomparable about a lover's embrace, but there is also something incomparable about being able to call a best friend and talk about only things the two of you can share.
There is something incomparable about being in a state of flow with a creative project. There is something incomparable about sharing the same interests as a group of people.
There is something incomparable in all forms of love. Sometimes we just need a little imagination to re-discover it.
Single for Summer is a four-part column by writer Madeleine Dore delving into the upsides of being single to inspire you to enjoy it.
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